Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
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It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious