*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
You Might Also Like
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
it鈥檒l be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
You never know how strong you are鈥ntil your power steering goes out.
If you鈥檙e feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: 鈥hy didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah鈥 wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that鈥檚 not fried
Spider-cat: No One Home
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
her: i like a guy that can last long 馃槈
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
thanksgiving in nutshell
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
FRIEND: How鈥檚 the new girlfriend?
ME: She鈥檚 a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she鈥檚 right here.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego鈩笍