*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
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Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
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Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages