A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
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me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.