I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
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even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.