i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
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my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
My Sentiments Exactly
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”