me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
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Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
“and how does that make you feel?”
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.