Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
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Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting