My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
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that’s really how it is
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?