Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
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Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.