if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
You Might Also Like
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9