Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
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Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
The police never think its as funny as you do.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
me adding lol on a serious message
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Sing it!
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.