customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
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Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants