DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
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there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.