Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
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Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Tell me you get it…🤣
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Oceanography is all about current events
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.