Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
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HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
United Steaks of America
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.