Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
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go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2