So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
You Might Also Like
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”