Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
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homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.