In a parallel universe nobody can park.
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Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop