I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
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Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Cats (2019)
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds