[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I didn’t come here to be called names
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂