“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
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You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.