It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
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Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
the greatest twitter interaction
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
OKAY DAD
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks