Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
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Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Dance like you’re not the father
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.