Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Beware…..
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.