If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
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A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
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The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
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which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
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DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Jupiter
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.