It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
You Might Also Like
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Terribly Tuesday.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot