I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
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I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise