Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
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Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
time for some seasonal decor
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single