I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
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This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
uh oh
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.