My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
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Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Hank is one in a melon.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring