10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
You Might Also Like
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.