What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
You Might Also Like
I ate everything, including the H.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.