If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
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Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on