Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
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Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*