Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
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[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
This is sending me to another galaxy
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
A roof is a house hat.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy