If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
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You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
O Wise One….
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.