Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
You Might Also Like
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.