Home is where your toilet is.
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7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately