John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
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I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
choose your gary
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.