Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
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I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I was bored.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times