Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
You Might Also Like
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
My biological clock is wheezing.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes