If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
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[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.