Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
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“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”