When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
You Might Also Like
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
That’s not how days work.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator