IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
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Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Just as the prophecy foretold
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.