Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
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Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I bet birds love this building.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.