Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
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Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Me too 😆
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
The 6 types of sex
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.