(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
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You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
scared to check what name she chose
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Cheer up.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.